My 3 lucky escapes

The cute curly haired toddler

When people look back and think of their first childhood memories they are probably not often reminded of a one woman tirade (my mum) to wipe my cute little curly haired body from the planet.  

This is my story of how she nearly achieved this:

Attempt No: 1

I must have only been about 3 when I remember in the good old days everybody would have strip washes in the bowl.  Anyway my mum called me into the kitchen, "Gadge" she shouted (my nickname).  I toddled into the kitchen unaware of what "Damien" was plotting against me.  I put my arms up and my wonderful mummy lifted me onto the draining board and smiled, she told me to stay still as I needed a wash.  Mum could not go 5 minutes without sparking a fag up and as she turned to get one me like a good boy decided to toe dip into the water and get washing for mum. 

But oh no! Devious mummy had (she claims) forgotten to empty the scalding hot water from the twin tub and as I dipped my feet in "ooooooouuuuuucccccccchhhhhhhh".....my legs were burnt.  After a trip to the doctors and cream applied to my little crow like legs I was gonna make it.

Attempt No: 2

So we move onto the next episode of near death and amazing again my mum is involved.  Whilst dodgy dad was on his way home from work mummy dearest has decided it was ok to leave a bag of concrete type hard boiled sweets within striking distance of her little adorable toddler (me).  Well like any child would do I choose to try one of these, of course I would and without thought zipped a colourful sweet into my mouth.  Yummy lets see if I can swllow this whole (or did mum dare me), again denial to this very day from her.  Well i have zonked the sweet down the hole but my bad luck the said sweet is far bigger than my airway.  Blimey guvnor it got stuck halfway down and before you could dangle a pooey nappy I had stopped breathing and gone blue.  Well with mother rubbing her hands she had not bargained on super Dad (only good thing he did for me) coming home in the nick of time.  He hurled me upside down whacked, whacked again and believe it or not I was whacked again.  Said sweet and me gave in at the same time and with a cough and splutter I was saved, mother had failed again haha.

Attempt No: 3

This leads me to mums last attempt on my young fragile life.  I was 5 years old and had set off on an exciting bus journey with mum when only 10 minutes into the journey things took a turn for the worse and she was at it again.  Now she claims the bus driver slammed his brakes on to avoid a cyclist but I am still unsure.  Anyway when said brakes were hit I was flung from my seat and snapped my wrist in the process.  Thankfully the wrist was mended, mum had failed again.
  
Now I love my mum to pieces but be warned children, who was there when you had that little accident as a kid.